No More Stabbing at Work

Violent sayings in the workplace and their peaceful alternatives

Have you ever paid attention to words and sayings people use in the workplace? Like, really carefully listen? If you haven’t, let me tell you, work can sound like a terribly violent place to be. 

Trust me—after reading this you’ll never listen to a workplace conversation in the same way. But don’t worry, I point out the most common violent sayings and provide suitably safe alternatives so you can make the workplace sound safe once again.

Let me take a stab at it

Put the knife down, and slowly back away. I’m pretty sure you can’t bring a knife into the workplace anyway. Instead, try saying: Let me give it a try.

Kill two birds with one stone

Seriously, I can’t handle seeing another dead bird in the workplace. Instead, try saying: Feed two birds with one seed.

Sorry to beat a dead horse 

Yeah! You should be sorry. In fact, you may find yourself in prison. Instead, try saying: Sorry that I keep reiterating the point, but it’s important.

Let me play devil's advocate 

Leave Satan out of this. He has no place in this conversation. Instead, try saying: Let’s look at this from a different point of view.

War room

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think you may be taking this too far. No one has to die, no bombs need to be dropped. We can figure this out. Instead, try saying: Situation Room.

Double-edged sword 

You might get away with bringing a knife to work, but there is no way on God’s green earth you’re going to have the same luck with a sword. Leave it home. Instead try saying: There’s a good side and a not so good side to this.

Boil the ocean

Sounds like a horrific biblical plague. This saying should be reserved for the apocalypse. I know things at work can sometimes seem impossible, but let’s try and keep our wits about us. Instead try saying: Let’s not make this unnecessarily difficult or, this may be an impossible task.

My boss would kill me

Get out now! If you think for even a second that your boss might kill you for anything you could do in the workplace it’s time to look for a new job. I heard LinkedIn has over 20 million of them. Instead try saying: My boss would be very disappointed.

Let me shoot that over

Really? It’s 2019. An email would do just fine. I don’t need that report loaded into a gun and shot to me across the workplace. Think of the consequences if you missed! Instead try saying: I’ll send it right away.

This could blow up in our faces 

Unless you work for the bomb squad, I doubt you’re handling explosive materials in the workplace. Instead try saying: This could go wrong or, we might not look good if this turns out poorly.

Bite the bullet

I don’t think your dentist would approve of you biting on a bullet, nor will your colleagues. Instead try saying: Let’s not put this off any longer.

Chopping block

No need for dismemberment. We can all walk out of here with our limbs intact. Instead try saying: Let’s retire this idea.

The final nail in the coffin 

Oh my. This is dark–way too dark for the workplace. Let your loved ones Rest In Peace, for the Lord’s sake. Instead, try saying: That’s it. I think we’re done here. 

Closing 

How many of these horribly violent sayings have you heard this week? How many have you said yourself? Don’t worry, today is a new day. Take a stand against violent sayings in the workplace by using one of these peaceful alternatives. Your colleagues will thank you. 

Did I miss any violent sayings? If so, leave a comment sharing the saying and a peaceful alternative.

About the Author

I'm a user experience designer at LinkedIn, and love sharing my sense of humor around the workplace and at home with my three kids and lovely wife. If you'd like to learn more about design at LinkedIn visit design.linkedin.com.

If you found this article funny or delighted in the illustrations, please visit my website: www.learnfunnyjokes.com