Building Resilience: A Guide to Handling Hate with Virtue and Integrity
In the labyrinth of human interaction, where words wield the power to uplift or wound, the art of navigating through the murk of negativity and hate becomes a crucial skill for maintaining one’s sanity and self-worth.
We live in an era where the digital and real worlds intertwine, amplifying voices of dissent and hate to levels previously unimaginable. The phenomena of being badmouthed, criticized, and judged harshly by others can seem like an inescapable part of existence, yet it is within this very challenge that we find the opportunity to rise above and redefine our engagement with the world.
We are social animals, and that requires us to play our roles within society. There are some duties we have to fill as children, parents, spouses, colleagues, friends, neighbors, and humanity overall. Whether they are nice or mean to you is of no consequence. That is their thing to deal with. You play your role, and you fortify yourself from the gossip and hate from others.
Let’s explore how personal integrity and wisdom can shield us against the onslaught of hate.
Loyalty Has Its Limits
Loyalty is a great thing as long as you don’t follow others blindly. Being loyal to someone shows commitment and makes you dependable. However, blindly following someone out of loyalty without using reason to evaluate orders and wishes they may impose upon you is not a smart thing to do.
“Associate yourself with those who can help you move forward. Associate yourself with those who are trying to be better themselves.”
Stoicism requires you to behave in accordance with nature, and that means using your reasoning skills. One of the cardinal virtues is wisdom. Don’t get blinded by charisma or by disinformation. Always consider who you follow and are loyal to. Do they deserve your loyalty? Do they bring the best out of you? Or do they hold you back or lead you away from being a virtuous person?
You may need to fulfill your duty as a son or daughter, even to bad parents, but you have no duty towards bad bosses or coworkers.
Associate yourself with those who can help you move forward. Associate yourself with those who are trying to be better themselves.
Badmouths Are None Of Your Business
Do you recklessly risk your life and the health of your body? No. You are careful about not getting unnecessarily hurt. You avoid dangerous places and dangerous people. So why don’t you do it also with your mind? Why don’t you avoid the cesspool of social networks where people spew hate? Why don’t you avoid those who hold you down and limit your potential? Why do you allow your mind to be polluted by unnecessary garbage that doesn’t bring you anything good?
Your mind and your mindset have an outsized impact on the quality of your life and your well-being, so why not take care of it?
If someone badmouths you behind your back, ignore it. What others think or say about you is none of your business. You can’t control the thoughts and actions of other people.
If you feel you must react, then shrug it off with self-deprecating humor.
Don’t ever do anything that you don’t want other people to see you doing. If you believe that something is right, then do it and ignore whether others approve or disapprove. If you feel that something you want to do is not right, then don’t do it.
“If they want to hate me, that is their choice. What they are saying is their opinion. They think they are right, so why hate them back? What they think is none of my business.”
You can’t control the opinions of other people, so ignore them. All you can control is your own opinion and actions. Act virtuously. If you do, no way of bad press should move you as you know deep down that you have done the right thing.
This applies also to being insulted in the face. If someone speaks badly about you and spews hate in your direction, you should ignore it. Their mind is filled with hate. They hurt themselves. If you let the hate get to you and settle in your mind, or if you reciprocate, you will fill your mind with the same negative emotions. You will be hurting yourself.
On the other hand, if you ignore the hater, your mind will be clean. They will keep suffering, and you will be fine. Always tell yourself, “If they want to hate me, that is their choice. What they are saying is their opinion. They think they are right, so why hate them back? What they think is none of my business.”
Don’t Compare Yourself To Others
Never compare yourself to others, and if you do, for some reason, make reasoned conclusions and not the false ones most people make. If you are richer than me, that doesn’t make you a better person than I am. It just means you have more money. If you are more famous than me, it doesn’t make you a better person. It just means more people know you than me. If you are the manager and I’m the worker, it doesn’t make you better than me. It just means your title is a manager, and you are responsible for managing work and leading people. Never confuse having more with being a better person.
“It is our core values and virtues that make us good people. Not the size of our bank account.”
It also works the other way around. Who are your role models and heroes? It seems that over the last hundred years, we have put on pedestals people who are not better than us but who have more than we do. We worship billionaires who have more money. We worship movie stars who are more famous. We keep asking their opinions on things they know nothing about and then follow their advice. Why?
Are they better than us? Are they more virtuous? Do they exhibit the values and behaviors we admire?
Sadly, the answers are usually “no.” We admire them because they have more of things we believe are important and good. Money and fame. But these are not good. These are indiferrents. Maybe preferred indifferents, but indiferrents nonetheless. It is our core values and virtues that make us good people. Not the size of our bank account.
Being virtuous is an intimate thing. There is no need to keep boasting about how great you are. In fact, it is counterproductive. If you decide to eat healthy, then do so. There is no need to share it with the world or, worse, badmouth those who didn’t make the same choice as you.
Lead by example, but don’t be in people’s faces about it. It is your actions, not your words, that will make you a virtuous person.
There is a clear sign you are focused on your practice to become better. When someone criticizes you, accept it and learn from it. When someone praises you, smile and thank them, but don’t feel flattered. When you fail, don’t blame others. When you perceive others as unhelpful, don’t criticize them. You are fully focused on yourself and don’t get distracted by the opinions and actions of others. If you can do this, you will become the best version of yourself.
Haters Are Gonna Hate
Regardless of what you see on social media, you can’t build your life on hate. Hate leads to destruction. It destroys the hater. If someone hates you, let it go. Don’t try to hate back. By hating back, you are helping the other person destroy you. You focus on the negatives and will eventually dislike your life and yourself. Hate leads to anger and vice versa.
Anger is a dangerous motivation. It leads us to make choices we wouldn’t make with a clear mind. It hurts our relationships and our peace of mind. Instead, build your life on love. Love yourself, the people around you, your country, your job, and your destiny.
If you feel you are getting angry with something, turn around and walk away. Nothing can make you angry unless you let it. Just say, “I may get angry by this, and so I chose to walk away, not to lose my peace of mind.” It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are or what the other person said or did. It is not your problem. It is theirs. If they yell at you, it’s their problem. If they act dishonestly, their bad. If they get upset, there is no reason for you to get upset.
Everyone wants and should be respected. In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius talks about sympatheia, “the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe. All things are mutually woven together and therefore have an affinity for each other—for one thing follows after another according to their tension of movement, their sympathetic stirrings, and the unity of all substance.”
We all have a place in the universe and a role to play. And we should be respected for it, regardless of how smart our role is. Life is hard as is. Why make it more difficult for others by treating them badly?
A couple of years ago, the Internet was ablaze with a new word, “Karen.” It is a pejorative term for “usually” white women perceived as entitled and demanding things that are beyond what is considered reasonable or who treat others badly just because of their position. Think of all the videos of racist or entitled rants you saw. People, not just women, yell at employees in supermarkets working at check-out counters or rant on video about not getting what they deserve. The Guardian even called 2020 the year of Karen.
One could claim the term itself can be sexist, ageist, or misogynistic, but the truth is that the behavior itself is just unacceptable. No one deserves to be yelled at just for doing their poorly paid job. No one deserves to be called cops on simply because of the color of their skin. No one deserves anything just because they were born into a certain class. We all deserve to live and be treated with decency and respect. Live your virtues, and don’t hate back.
Goggins Technique To Deal With Hate
In Never Finished, David Goggins suggests another technique for dealing with hate. Use it to fuel your commitment. Goggins even makes a mixtape of the negative comments he is getting and listens to them to fuel his resolve to train harder. It may not be as easy as it sounds, as it requires quite a big mind shift. It is not even a Stoic thing to do, but it can still be a source of power to keep going.
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“Be safe in your knowledge that the haters put you down because your current success already threatens them. And you are just beginning.”
The world and the Internet are full of jealous people who are insecure in their own abilities and who give their egos a boost when they can put others down. “I told you that you can’t make it.” “You failed as expected.” “You are no good at this.” “I’m glad you failed. I hope it will teach you a lesson.”
You can let comments like this put you down. Or you can decide that “you will show them” and double down. When you train harder, focus more, and give it your best, you will ultimately succeed.
You need to adopt the winner’s mentality. Focus on yourself, and don’t give a second thought to what others do or say. Do your best. Get better every day. Use every source of power you can get, even the hate you are getting from others.
Be safe in your knowledge that the haters put you down because your current success already threatens them. And you are just beginning.
Protect Yourself From The Agendas Of Others
We live in a real world with people with their own agendas. Some may be envious, some may want to win at any cost, some may be hateful, and some may want to see others fail and suffer. The best way to protect yourself is to use one of the following strategies, ideally all.
Be A Master Of Your Craft – When you are good at what you do, there is very little others can do to damage your reputation or your livelihood. Being efficient, focused on quality and details, involving others as needed, sharing credit, accepting feedback, and getting better are great ways to become a master, to be seen as a master, and to make sure others are vested in your success. Your voice is heard through your work.
Create The Right Image – You may not like it, but reputation is important. Creating an appropriate image or persona shapes how the world perceives you. You are building a reputation. You may do great work, but promoting that work is also important. And promotion of yourself as a person who knows what they are doing is critical.
If you want to be the master of your destiny, you need to guide others in how they perceive you. You shouldn’t care what others think of you, but you should care about the ability to get things done, and that often requires having the right reputation. If you don’t work on creating the image you want, others will create an image of you that you may not like, and that may inhibit you from achieving your goals.
Just don’t get attached too much to the image and reputation. Remember, they are not under your control. You may nudge others to think a certain way about you, but ultimately, it is their decision whether they will love you or hate you.
Don’t Argue With Fools – There will always be various fools, self-proclaimed experts, know-it-alls, detractors, doubters, and haters who will point at your work and bash it or give you unsolicited advice.
They would often be driven by short-term gains, the need for attention, fame, and money, or just ruled by their ego and insecurities. They might even be in positions of power, but ultimately, they get little done and will provide little value to you.
Mastery requires patience, and success in life requires long-term results, not short-term pleasures. These people can annoy you. They may tease you to go argue or fight with them. Don’t. They are just a distraction. There is nothing you can gain by arguing with a fool. Don’t try to change them. Don’t try to argue with them. Don’t become them. The best you can do is ignore them and focus on your work.
Don’t React. Respond.
We tend to react instead of respond. Reacting doesn’t need any thought. Responding requires a more deliberate and thoughtful approach.
Respond. Don’t react. Reacting is like trying to rush through a maze, randomly turning left and right. You will move fast but in the wrong direction and get even more lost. Responding is deliberate. You think before you act. You check your direction and priorities regularly, and you don’t make rush decisions and jump to conclusions.
By rushing through life, you become a slave to your calendar, to the priorities of other people, and to society. It is not a life. It is servitude. By being deliberate, you become your own master. You live your life on your own terms and according to your priorities.
When you look around, you will see it everywhere. Are we masters of our own lives? Do you see someone walking a dog, buying them expensive treats, and arranging their life around the pet’s needs? Who is the master? Do you see someone checking their smartphone every two minutes? Is the phone a tool to make life easier, or is it the master that dictates where our attention and priorities are? Do you see a homeowner who has to spend weekends making repairs on their property and weekdays in a job they hate so they can pay their mortgage? Are they really the house owner, or does the house own them?
“If you are wise, you make things your servants. If you are foolish, you become a servant to your things.”
When you decide to buy things, consider whether you really need them, what their function would be, and how much it will cost you in time you will have to watch over them, maintain and repair them. The best possessions are not those with the most beautiful design but those that require the least amount of time and worry. When you spend your money, spend it on things that feel right for you, not to show off your status to others. By spending money on status items, you are buying envy, anxiety, and often even loneliness. Do you really want that?
Putting It All Together
Learning to respond to hate with grace and equanimity stands as a testament to our growth and maturity. The journey through the shadows of malice and envy highlights the strength of character, the power of self-reflection, and the unyielding resolve to maintain one’s course toward virtue and integrity.
The true battleground lies within ourselves. By choosing to focus on our own actions, cultivating compassion, and embracing the diversity of human experience, we forge an armor impervious to the insults of the world.
In doing so, we not only protect ourselves but also illuminate the path for others, proving that in the face of hate, a life built on love, understanding, and respect is not only possible but profoundly rewarding.
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Originally posted on my blog about management, leadership, communication, coaching, introversion, stoicism, software development, and career The Geeky Leader or follow me on Facebook and Twitter: @GeekyLeader