Understanding why it's hard to identify your needs

- Despite there being such a wide range of human needs that psychological and academic models acknowledge, there are societal structures that say it's selfish to focus on your own needs. This tension between having needs but feeling selfish for having needs is why I think so many people have never really sat down and thought about their needs. Or if they have, they've chosen to ignore their needs because they don't think they get to matter. And that's sad and ultimately destructive, because the needs don't just go away, they're needs, and when they get ignored, they have consequences on our physical and mental health, on our relationships, and on our social impact. Many of the clients I work with come to me needless because they either don't know their needs or they ignore them. These needless clients are in unhealthy patterns with the people they work and live with. They report being exhausted from people-pleasing, feeling unseen and underappreciated, and feeling like a shell version of themselves. It's hard for them to see that listening to and expressing their needs would actually benefit the people around them, but over time, they see it. That respecting their needs gives them more energy, focus, and clarity. It makes them feel more seen and appreciated, which lends itself to a more kindness and generosity, and ultimately, they have more access to their own potential so they can offer more. 'Cause think about it. If I'm not allowing myself a need for my existence, like, say, rest, I don't have the bandwidth to show up for myself or others at the level of relatedness or growth. I think about this in terms of being fragmented versus being whole. Every time you don't respect a need of yours, you give a part of yourself away, and the more parts of yourself you give away, the less of you you have. And then you're operating as one of my clients described yourself: an energizer battery in a meat suit, and the battery doesn't stop until it dies. Respecting your needs on the other hand means recognizing that you are a person. It means that you get to care for your wholeness as a person, and that means that you ultimately have more to give from your wholeness, from your integrity. Before we go on, consider this: what were some of the messages you got growing up about having needs? Also, what messages, explicit or not, do you get from your work culture about having needs? Open up the handout called messages about needs, and take stock of some of the external messages that you might have internalized about having needs. It's a great place to start in this process of understanding what may make it difficult for you to respect your needs.