Being reactive vs. choosing

- Let's unpack this idea of one reality versus two a little more. Let's say your company culture really values networking. The message you get from your manager is that you need to go to at least one networking event a week or people are going to think that you're not in. But you're an introvert and networking drains the energy you have to do the other parts of your job well, as well as takes time from evening activities you find meaningful. If there gets to be only one reality, the one of your company culture, then you're left with just two options. Comply with it or defy it. I use the word "options" because complying or defying aren't choices. They're reactions to a situation. Complying looks like setting aside your reality and stifling your needs in order to go to all the networking events. Defying would look like not going to the networking events and hoping you get away with it without losing respect, or worse, your job. In general, defying feels like you have to fight or campaign for your reality. Because if you don't win, your reality doesn't get to exist. Conversely, there's also the feeling that if you get what you need, someone else doesn't get to get what they need because your reality is the one that won. Pause to consider this. Do you notice whether you have a tendency to either comply or defy? What do you feel like when you do? You might notice that there's something about complying or defying that feels off or not good. And remember, if that's the case, it's an indication that your needs aren't being acknowledged or met. In an ideal world, your manager can see your reality and takes it into consideration. She sees that you're an introvert and that you contribute to the team in various ways, and she doesn't campaign so hard for you to network. But that doesn't always happen. In part because your manager, like most people, is probably also unconsciously operating from the idea that there's only one reality. They're not accustomed to considering multiple realities. They too have become accustomed to feeling like they have to win. That's where it becomes your responsibility to speak up and to let her know what's true for you, to say something like, "Hey, I know that networking is a part of the company culture, but I don't think weekly networking is going to work for me. What do we do about that?" By asking for your reality and needs to be considered, you take yourself out of complying or defying and give yourself the opportunity to have some choice in the matter. But I imagine that if you're not used to asking for your reality and your needs to be considered, doing so doesn't just feel needy, it feels demanding. I get it, but there's nothing wrong with cleanly and clearly stating what's true for you and asking for it to be considered. By making clean requests, I mean not overly apologizing or packing your request with a lot of information that's meant to somehow validate or excuse your request. You can certainly name how you think it might land for the person to receive. As in saying "I imagine this isn't going to be what you want to hear given how behind schedule you feel." And then simply state your request, "But I'm going to need an extra day." It's clean and it's clear. Which is how you can make requests when you embody that your reality is different than other people's realities. Your needs exist within your reality and no one else's, and you don't have to take away someone else's reality in order for yours to be valid If you comply or defy with someone else's reality, it doesn't inherently make your reality or your needs any less valid. It just makes them ignored. And I know this is heady stuff, but it's important to understand in order to get underneath the old and potentially unconscious ways you think about who and what gets to matter.